Balancing the Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership that lasted four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I begin seeing any man, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.
Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often resulting in significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate different types of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. At some point you might meet someone who provides a life-changing chance to you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the worth of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
