The Phrases given by My Parent Which Saved Me as a First-Time Father

"I believe I was just just surviving for the first year."

Ex- reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey anticipated to manage the difficulties of being a father.

But the truth soon proved to be "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Severe health problems surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was forced into becoming her main carer while also caring for their baby boy Leo.

"I handled all the nights, every nappy change… every walk. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

Following 11 months he became exhausted. That was when a chat with his father, on a public seat, that made him realise he couldn't do it alone.

The direct phrases "You're not in a good place. You must get assistance. In what way can I help you?" paved the way for Ryan to express himself truthfully, look for assistance and start recovering.

His story is far from unique, but rarely discussed. Although the public is now more comfortable discussing the stress on mothers and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the difficulties dads encounter.

'It's not weak to seek assistance

Ryan feels his challenges are symptomatic of a larger failure to talk amongst men, who often hold onto harmful notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and stays upright with each wave."

"It's not a display of failure to request help. I didn't do that fast enough," he explains.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher who studies mental health before and after childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - especially in front of a new mother and infant - but she stresses their mental state is equally important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the chance to ask for a break - going on a few days overseas, outside of the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He realised he required a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings in addition to the logistical chores of caring for a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she was yearning" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

Reparenting yourself'

That epiphany has reshaped how Ryan views fatherhood.

He's now penning Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he gets older.

Ryan believes these will help his son to more fully comprehend the vocabulary of feelings and interpret his approach to fatherhood.

The concept of "reparenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen lacked consistent male parenting. Even with having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their relationship.

Stephen says suppressing feelings caused him to make "terrible choices" when in his youth to change how he was feeling, finding solace in alcohol and substances as an escape from the anguish.

"You turn to substances that don't help," he notes. "They may temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Managing as a New Dad

• Open up to someone - if you feel under pressure, confide in a trusted person, your spouse or a therapist what you're going through. This can to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported.
• Remember your hobbies - keep doing the things that helped you to feel like you before becoming a parent. Examples include playing sport, seeing friends or a favourite hobby.
• Pay attention to the body - eating well, staying active and if you can, resting, all play a role in how your mental state is faring.
• Connect with other parents in the same boat - hearing about their experiences, the challenges, as well as the positive moments, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Remember that seeking help is not failure - prioritising you is the optimal method you can support your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the death, having had no contact with him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's committed not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead give the stability and emotional guidance he did not receive.

When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - managing the emotions constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become better, healthier men since they acknowledged their struggles, changed how they express themselves, and taught themselves to regulate themselves for their sons.

"I have improved at… processing things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a message to Leo recently," Ryan adds. "I expressed, on occasion I feel like my role is to guide and direct you what to do, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding as much as you are on this path."